Jokes for April 3, 2009
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A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
If you read this without laughing out loud,
there is something wrong with you. This is
dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to
get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the
dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the
local health club for me.
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Although I am still in great shape since
being a high school cheerleader
43 years ago, I decided it would be a good
idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations
with a personal trainer
named Brad, who identified himself as a
26-year-old aerobics instructor and model
for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my
progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out
of bed, but found it
was well worth it when I arrived at the
health club to find Brad waiting for me. He
is something of a Greek god - with blond
hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white
smile. Woo Hoo!! Brad gave me a tour and
showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching
the skillful way in which he conducted his
aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Brad was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from
holding it in the whole time he was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally
made it out the door.
Brad made me lie on my back and push a heavy
iron bar into the air then he put weights on
it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Brad's
rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I
feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by
laying the toothbrush on the counter and
moving my mouth back and forth over it. I
believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.
Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in
the club parking lot.
Brad was impatient with me, insisting that
my screams bothered
other club members. His voice is a little
too perky for early in the morning and when
he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that
is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got
on the treadmill, so Brad put me on the
stair monster. Why the hell would anyone
invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? Brad told me
it would help me get in shape and enjoy
life. He said some other shit too.
THURSDAY :
Brad was waiting for me with his
vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.
I couldn't help being a half an hour late,
it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Brad took me to work out with dumbbells.
When he was not looking, I ran and hid in
the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to
find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY :
I hate that Brad more than any human being
has ever hated any other human being in the
history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic, anorexic little #@*. If there was a
part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Brad wanted me to work on my triceps. I
don't have any triceps!
And if you don't want dents in the floor,
don't hand me the damn barbells or anything
that weighs more than a sandwich. The
treadmill flung me off and I landed on a
health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer,
like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY :
Brad left a message on my answering machine
in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why
I did not show up today. Just hearing him
made me want to smash the machine with my
planner. However, I lacked the strength to
even use the TV remote and ended up catching
eleven straight hours of the Weather
Channel.
SUNDAY :
I'm having the Church van pick me up for
services today so I can go and thank GOD
that this week is over. I will also pray
that next year my daughter (the little shit)
will choose a gift for me that is fun --
like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still
say if God had wanted me to bend over, he
would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds
